I won't sugar coat it. 2013 was the worst year of my life and yet I am having a hard time letting it go. Another year past makes it that much longer since I have seen or heard my Mom, that much longer from the last call, the last hug, the last look.
As others are saying, "Happy New Year" deep down I am thinking what is happy about it? I will enter another year without a special part of me. Life will never be the same.
I know in my heart that I have to turn this around. It is hard while still grieving to do this. I know I was so blessed to have her in my life for as long as I did. I have a lifetime of memories to cherish. I have photos and notes and gifts that she gave me. Things she said stay in my mind but then there are the things that are vague that I can no longer call upon her memory to verify. Some things have been lost with her.
New Year's Eve just seems like the culmination of several of the first milestones that we had to get over without her...her birthday, others of our birthdays without her, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas--six months of firsts. It seems weird that New Year's Eve is hitting me so hard since I can't remember the last New Year's Eve that I spent with her.
Some may think I should keep all these thoughts personal. I am sharing them here for perhaps someone who is going through similar feelings. I know I am not alone. I hope you can find the strength to focus on the good things. I need to turn things around as best I can--remind myself that each day is a day closer to when we will be reunited once again. I know she would want me to be happy, and she would be sad to know how much happiness she took with her.
I will get through this. We always do, don't we? Years ago I bought this neat little wall hanging that says, "Whatever!" I just dug it out from a pile on my desk and I am going to put it where I can see it every day. "Whatever!" is going to be my goal for 2014.
Before you question this, I need to explain this plaque better. Inside of the letters of the word, "whatever" are written the following, "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is admirable, whatever is honorable, think about these things. Phillipians 4:8. Remember...God is with you--whatever, whenever, wherever, forever!" I cannot think of a better New Year's resolution.
So, before I archive 2013 as the worst year of my life, I will credit the year with a fun memory. I was honored to be the Grand Marshall in the East Hartland Fireman's Parade this year. It was such a fun "ride" and I, forever the one to "connect the dots", find it fun to remember another parade in East Hartland 52 years ago. We had lived in East Hartland only a few months when I was bestowed the honor of becoming one of the princesses in the bi-centennial parade. It is another long story about how I ended up with the honor, so I won't go into that at this time. I feel I've come full circle now. As fondly as I remember the first parade, I remember this last one and am thankful to all who made it possible.
See, I did find something positive. I hope you will have a New Year with many good "whatevers" to focus on.